Pride?
Feb 27
I had a horrid experience last night. The local churches together group organised a panel of ministers to answer various pre-arranged questions. They were unbelievably difficult, including things like
* “Is the Arab Spring turning into a long hard winter, and how will that affect Christians and other minority faith groups.”
I almost had sleepless nights before going, and was really quite cross about all the time I was spending trying to work out what to say.
In the event it was every bit as awful as i was expecting. The three male panelists were speaking eloquently and with huge knowledge about topics I really didn’t understand enough about to give my views. On the above question, I was the last one asked, so I said that all I could add was that we should never become immune to the horrors of the violence and unnecessary deaths occurring over there, and that we should also never forget, and lose our trust in the power of prayer. When I told this to a lovely old stalwart in Morning prayer this morning, she said “Well, if you said that ducky, then I think you acquitted yourself beautifully”.
I went to a Churches Together coffee group this morning and one of the ladies there was there last night. She said “You were a great representative for women who felt they couldn’t have answered those questions, and we were all sitting in the audience thinking – well done Rona!” Another lady said “Do you realise you were the only panel member who mentioned prayer, and you did that 3 times”
So, my point today is that I am still cringing at the memory of the evening, and I kept saying that I felt I had let God down. However, rather than letting God down, I have only let myself down by allowing pride to take over. What does it matter whether I looked a fool? St Francis talks about being a Fool for God, and St Paul says “The message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” 1 Co 1:18.
I’d rather be a fool for God than a self conscious twit, I just need to stop remembering last night… my eyes are still watering with the shame of it all.
I have started this reply to your blog several times now so I’m just going to ‘tell it how it is’. I have had this feeling for about a year that I should somehow be doing gods work. I try to ignore it but it just keeps re-surfacing. Until I read “About me” I thought I was going mad. I am a fairly level headed accountant who is just finishing a business degree at the late age of 53. I’m not in any crisis in my life – so that isn’t the reason for all this. I’ve spoken to my husband and children about this overwhelming feeling and they weren’t has surprised has i had thought, although I did get the feeling they thought there was probably tablets I could take for this .lol. I’m sorry if I’m rambling but it has taken some time for me to put this in words.
I punched the air for joy when I read your email! I know how daunting it must seem right now, but you only need to take this in tiny little steps. The fact that your family have already affirmed that you aren’t bonkers is already the first step. You are being utterly faithful if you say “Lord, these all seems a bit much for me right now, but show me what the next step is.” My experience is that if you don’t listen, he’ll just shout louder until you have reached a point when the excuses run out.
For now, keep the status quo, but just start to check a few things out. Find out the name of your local vocations advisor in your area. This can easily be done on line, or if you telephone your nearest Church House Office. Again the Church of England Website will have contact details for that. Speak to that person and they will probably give you lots to think about. Read some books which they might recommend. Ask me if you want me to recommend something. I think the John Pritchard The Life and Work of a Priest might be interesting, or perhaps a bit heavy at the moment.
Keep in touch, keep praying for guidance, and give yourself a minimum of 5 minutes total silence every day, on your own, to allow God to speak to you. Go well! May God bless you richly in your explorations!
oh well why not say it out aloud? I am another one of these “strange people” who thinks about ordained ministry. For about 12 years I knew about it but tried to ignore it. Yes, I think you’re right saying “He will just shout louder”. There was a lot of anxiety first but having started talking with my parish vicar it suddently feels all but right.
Am feeling a bit like a prilgrim….
Thanks it’s good to walk with others in spirit, faith and hope.
Welcome onboard! It is so lovely to hear you being honest
about it. Yes it is tough, but hopefully there are
enough encouraging people out there who recognise
God’s call – keep faithful and well done to your vicar!
how is your week bearing up?